From Lonely Hallways To Real Connection In Schools

In this episode we talk about why teaching can feel lonely even when we are surrounded by people all day. We break down how real community is built through safety, honesty, and small repeated choices that help us feel human at school again. 

Understand
• the difference between proximity and true community 
• how isolation is hiding in plain sight for teachers and students 
• reflection questions that reveal what we are really carrying 
• why asking for support can feel like failure 

Let’s keep the conversation going! Find me at: empowerededucator.com

Get the book at: empowerededucator.com/book

Instagram: @jenrafferty_

Facebook: Empowered Educator Faculty Room

Transcript

The Hidden Weight Teachers Carry

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You became a teacher to make a difference, and you do, every day, but nobody told you about the weight you'd carry home. The kids you can't stop thinking about, that feeling that giving everything still isn't enough. And the quiet question underneath it all, how long can I keep doing this? So you're in the right place. This is Unlock Your Teaching Potential, and I'm your host, Dr. Jen Rafferty, educator, author, mom of two, and founder of Empowered Educator. And here we believe that taking care of yourself is the most generous thing you can do for your students. You are a gift to this world, and it's time to act accordingly. So let's dig in.

Why Community Matters Right Now

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Hello, and welcome back to Unlock Your Teaching Potential. I want to talk today about community because this week with the book launch has been an exceptional example of the power of community. It's been so cool to see everyone's pictures with the book on social media and to hear everyone's thoughts about what they've read and of course to be there in community live at the launch event that we had on the 6th. It is just incredible to feel and be in the power of this empowered educator community. And it got me thinking that so much of what we experience throughout the day as teachers, you know, we're surrounded by people all day, but it can still feel really lonely. And we're hungry for some type of connection. And so are our students, especially now. And it's important to know the difference between proximity and community. Because even though we might be in the same space, having a relationship is a completely different thing. And we're told ad nauseum that building relationships is an essential piece of a successful classroom, a successful learning environment, a successful way to collaborate with parents, but no one actually shares how we build these really important relationships.

Isolation Hiding In Plain Sight

SPEAKER_00 2:13

So I want to talk about a couple things today. First is this idea of isolation, hiding in plain sight. The second is why teachers stop reaching out altogether. And the third is creating community as a practice, not simply proximity. So let's take it back to the first thing I want to talk about and talk through here. You know, as I said before, teachers spend so much time surrounded by colleagues and by kids. And so many people describe it as being really lonely. And being in a building with people is not the same as being known. And our students feel this way too. Just because we're in a class together does not automatically create a sense of belonging. That takes effort, that takes intention. And I'll tell you right now, this doesn't happen during icebreakers, during the professional development days before school starts. It doesn't happen with jeans on Fridays, and it doesn't happen when there's donuts in the faculty room. This is really about intentionally connecting with people. And so I want to ask you this question that I want you to sit with. When was the last time a colleague actually knew what you were carrying? Not just what grade that you teach or what unit you're on or what student was giving you a hard time, like what you were actually carrying. Because those conversations at the copy machine or in the faculty room often feel very surface level. You know, it usually goes something like, oh, how's it going? And someone says, Oh, you know, fine, or live in the dream, or 12 more years, and we kind of laugh it off, and that's the end of the so-called connection. But that isn't connection. Just because you're talking to somebody doesn't mean that there's something happening underneath the surface. And so ask yourself, when did you actually know or about a colleague's life? When did you allow someone else to know about yours? And remember, as I'm asking these questions, it's not anything for you to judge. It's a moment of genuine curiosity and just collecting some data. This is really about noticing and going, huh, isn't that interesting? And maybe deciding to make new choices or not.

Why We Stop Asking For Help

SPEAKER_00 4:52

So this brings me to the next point I want to talk about here, which is why teachers stop reaching out in the first place. And one of the biggest jobs that we have kind of in that small print is that teachers are the givers. We're the ones that need to be steady, we're the problem solvers, we're the fixers. And so asking for any sort of support or help can feel like this inherent sense of failure. I'm I'm not doing my job if I need help and support and whatever it is that you might need on a on top of this idea that we might be inconveniencing somebody with asking for help or support. So I want you to ask yourself this question to get some more reflection and more data. If a colleague asked you for help or support, would you think any less of them? Would you would you think that they were not able to handle their job? Probably not. It would probably seem perfectly reasonable for somebody to ask for help. And so I want you to consider why the narrative is different for you. Because community exists when we're able to create a space where it feels safe to lean on each other when we need it. And

Community As A Daily Practice

SPEAKER_00 6:20

the third piece that I want to talk about here regarding community is that it is a practice. It is something that you get to practice. And it's not just the responsibility of the school as a whole. Remember, organizations, schools, systems, none of those things change until people change. And the only person that you have any agency in changing is yourself. So it's not about being in the right building necessarily. It's built through small repeated actions of showing up for yourself, reaching out, asking questions, asking for help and receiving help yourself and support. Those are acts that create community. Now, to be clear, sometimes we feel as if complaining together and having this mutual disdain for different policies or gossiping is a way to connect with people. And that actually is quite the opposite. I talk a lot about this in the book when I'm talking about language. Complaining and gossiping might feel like we're connecting with people, but it's really a low vibration way and very surface level way of talking with each other that certainly doesn't create a sense of belonging either. So when we're talking about true community, we're talking about safety and vulnerability, safety and being able to show up as yourself, safety and asking for support or help when you need it. And so I want you to consider this question: where is there room for an honest exchange with another person in your building? We're not talking about logistics or lesson plans, honesty. Because as I've said before, one of the most interesting pieces of data that kept coming up over and over again when I was doing my dissertation was that there was this lack of a sense of humanity where people kept saying, I just want to feel human again. And to me, the lack of humanity or the perception of the lack of humanity is wild. There is something very wrong if we are not feeling our humanness in environments when we are raising young humans. And it needs to start with true connection, true community, which leads to that sense of belonging and building those relationships. And it doesn't always come easy. It truly takes effort and intention. And for me, I value community in my work and in my personal life and hold it near and dear to my heart. It is a priority to make sure that I reach out to people, that I maintain my relationships, that I continue to check in, even if it's not often. I have dear friends who they're, you know, I call them, my daughter calls them, once-a-year friends, where we have this beautiful history together and this gorgeous connection. And it could be so easy to just let it go. But those relationships are so important to me because that's what this is all about. That deep connection that we get to have with each other. So when I hop on the phone or when we hop on a FaceTime or a Zoom to reconnect, it is so soul-filling. And I cherish those moments that I get to have. Even just tonight, I met up with a relatively new friend. This is somebody who we've been following each other's work on social media for many years now. And he just happened to be in my town doing some sort of an event. And it was a priority for me to meet up with him, to get to know him, to share our experiences together. And this is somebody that I know will just be part of my community and I'll be a part of his. I think more often than not, people feel fear around connection or fear around true vulnerability because of their fear of judgment. But I want to leave you with this what's personal is universal. The things that you're experiencing, the things that you're going through, everyone experiences those things in one way or another. They're human. And the more we share and the more we're able to be together, the more connected we'll feel, especially when we're at school.

A Micro Shift You Can Try

SPEAKER_00 11:18

So the micro shift that I'm going to leave you with for this episode is I invite you to sit somewhere different. Often when we're at a faculty meeting or we're at those big PD days, we end up gravitating towards the same people in the same spots. So maybe at your next opportunity, sit next to someone that you don't usually talk to. Ask them something about their life outside of school and get curious. Really listen to what they're saying and maybe share something from your experiences. Try it and see what happens because this is the ripple effect. This is what it means to embody this work. This is what it means that you get to be the variable, that your choices get to determine how your experience is. And here's an opportunity for you to remember your agency. And of course, this is one of the big topics that I unpack in the new book, The Empowered Educator, which of course is now available where books are sold, and you can always get it through empowerededucator.com/slash book. And if this episode landed for you, please leave a review and hit subscribe because it helps other educators find the show. And remember, you are a gift to this world. So act accordingly.