Unlock Your Teaching Potential

Unmasking Perfectionism: The Hidden Link Between Stress and the Need to Be Perfect

• Jen Rafferty • Season 4 • Episode 8

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Is Your Perfectionism Really Just a Stress Response?
In this episode of The Empowered Educator Podcast, we uncover the hidden connection between perfectionism and your brain’s stress response system — especially for educators. Learn why perfectionism isn’t a personal flaw, but a learned survival strategy rooted in fear, fawn mode, and a nervous system trying to keep you safe.

You’ll discover:

  • How perfectionism acts as protective armor against failure, rejection, and shame
  • The neuroscience of stress: how your amygdala triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses
  • Why perfectionism often shows up in “fawn mode” — over-accommodating, over-achieving, and over-functioning
  • How school systems unintentionally reinforce perfectionism through rewards and rankings
  • Why students need regulated, not perfect, teachers — and how authenticity creates deeper classroom impact
  • Tools and practices to rewire your brain for calm, confidence, and compassion
  • How self-compassion builds new neural pathways and helps you reclaim your joy

🎁 Explore soul-nourishing, educator-centered gifts and resources at empowerededucator.com/school-store — because the most generous thing you can do for your students is take care of you.

Stay empowered,
Jen


Let’s keep the conversation going! Find me at:

empowerededucator.com/resources

Instagram: @jenrafferty_

Facebook: Empowered Educator Faculty Room

Empowered Educator Card Deck

Speaker 1:

Are you feeling exhausted by the constant demands of teaching? Do you find yourself wondering if there's a way to balance both your career and your well-being without burning out? Welcome to Unlock your Teaching Potential, your permission slip to hit the brakes, recharge and reignite your joy for teaching and living. I'm Dr Jen Rafferty, former music teacher, author, tedx speaker and founder of Empowered Educator, and I've been where you are exhausted, overwhelmed and just trying to get through the day, making it all work. So each week, I'll bring you short, powerful episodes with actionable tools to help you reclaim your energy, set boundaries and step into your full potential, both in and out of your role as an educator. So take a breath and let's dive in. It's time to unlock your teaching potential, because the world needs you at your best.

Speaker 1:

Today we are unraveling something so many of us carry like a badge of honor, but underneath it's often a really heavy weight. That's perfectionism. If you're a teacher or a school leader who prides yourself on getting things just right the perfect lesson, the perfect response, the perfect email, even the perfect classroom decor you are not alone. But here's the thing Perfectionism isn't actually about excellence. I'm going to say that again. Perfectionism isn't actually about excellence. It's often about protection. So today's episode is an invitation not to fix or change yourself you are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you but to get curious. What if your perfectionism isn't a flaw but a form of armor that you learn to wear? What if it's actually a response that your nervous system learned to keep you safe? And we're not here to judge it. We're here to understand it and to see it for what it really is, because perfectionism is not a personality flaw, it is not a character defect. It is often a stress response and maybe, just maybe, it's something that your beautiful, brilliant brain learned to do to protect you. So, as we always do, let's look at the brain activity behind the behavior. Neuroscience shows us that the brain is designed to keep us safe. It does not care if you're happy. Remember, you're not your brain, you're a person who has a brain. So when you're under stress whether it's from your childhood experiences or school systems that reward overachievement, or working environments with really high expectations and little support your brain adapts, and perfectionism can be one of those adaptations. It's often a learned behavior that is rooted in fear the fear of failure, the fear of disappointing others, fear of losing control, or even the fear of being unworthy.

Speaker 1:

And now, for some of us, perfectionism started really early. Maybe we learned along the way that mistakes weren't okay, or maybe you learned that you were only praised when you were achieving things. Or perhaps some chaos at home or in school made you crave some sort of control. In any way you could find it. And your nervous system said got it, if I'm perfect, well then I'll be safe. This is your incredible amygdala at work.

Speaker 1:

Remember that part of the brain that scans for threats and in the response to the stress or perceived danger right, not actual danger, but perceived danger it triggers fight, flight, freeze or fawn. So, for example, your nervous system thinks well, if everything is perfect, well then no one will be upset with me, and if I never make any mistakes, I won't be rejected. If I just do everything right, then no one will be upset with me, and if I never make any mistakes, I won't be rejected. If I just do everything right, then I will be safe. Does it sound familiar? Fawn mode is when we over-accommodate in an effort to keep the peace, we over-perform, we over-do and we over-effort. And perfectionism often lives right there in that FON response, and we're going to be talking about FON response specifically in a later episode this season. So when we talk about perfectionism, we're really talking about the nervous system trying to regulate a sense of belonging and safety by trying to control what it thinks it can. So, again to be crystal clear there is nothing wrong with you. This is a coping strategy. That is a brilliant and adaptive and protective move from your nervous system, but over time it no longer serves you and it can be exhausting. So often our nervous systems are operating in an old pattern in response to an environment that no longer exists.

Speaker 1:

And I want to pause here and call something out that's really important often gets rewarded in schools, not just for teachers but for students too. I mean, think about the ways schools uphold perfectionism as the standard perfect attendance, awards, honor rolls, gpa rankings, the never miss an assignment kid and we don't always mean to, but we often reinforce perfectionism as the right way to succeed. And look, I know this firsthand because I was that student. Even when I was in college, deep in my pre-service teaching program, I clung so tightly to doing everything quote, unquote right. I felt this constant pressure to prove that I was meant to be there, to earn the respect of my professors and my mentors, my other classmates and I remember this one particular class where we had to design a unit plan from scratch, and I had spent hours agonizing over every detail, every font and the formatting, making it look so Pinterest worthy way, before Pinterest was even a thing and yes, I know, I'm dating myself here I stayed up late, I skipped meals and I kept revising it almost obsessively, and the morning it was due I had barely slept, but I walked in with this bright, polished binder and I got praised for it.

Speaker 1:

And what no one saw, though, was the anxiety that I was feeling, and how little I was sleeping and taking care of myself was feeling, and how little I was sleeping and taking care of myself. I equated being perfect with being competent, and what that did well, it kept me isolated. It kept me afraid of failure, when we know that failure is where some of the most powerful learning happens, and if you haven't already listened to it, go back to listen to season three, episode 22, where I interviewed Teresa McPhail about embracing failure as a path to success. I put the link here in the show notes too, so you can easily access it after you listen to this episode. So this perfection equals competence. Belief did not magically go away when I became a teacher. It followed me into the classroom, it followed me into staff meetings, it followed me into my relationships with my students and, if I'm being totally honest, it followed me in my home life too. So now when I see students who are overachieving, who are highly anxious, who are afraid to be wrong, I see a little bit of myself in them and I have to ask what are we unintentionally teaching our kids about what it means to be quote unquote good or quote unquote successful?

Speaker 1:

Perfectionism doesn't teach resilience. It teaches people to hide and over function and over effort, to ignore their bodily functions, to fear mistakes. And this all comes at a cost for everyone Because, remember, perfectionism is actually a coping strategy, not a sustainable path to growth. Perfectionism is not a badge of honor. It is a signal that we might not be feeling very safe. When you get praised for having the best bulletin board, for always turning things in early or for volunteering again even when you're exhausted, you become that teacher, that reliable one, the one who has it all together.

Speaker 1:

But what's rarely talked about is the anxiety that lives underneath those sleepless nights, the feelings of self-doubt, the sense that even when you're doing your best, it never feels like it's quite enough. Perfectionism isn't just exhausting, it's depleting. It disconnects us from our joy, our creativity, from our capacity to connect with others in a real, authentic way. And here's such an interesting paradox, because when we're in perfectionism, we disconnect from the very parts of ourselves that our students need the most. Your kids don't need a perfect teacher. They need a regulated teacher. They need a teacher who models what it looks like to try to fail, to repair, to rest, to be human.

Speaker 1:

And does this mean that we don't have high standards of excellence? Of course not. But we need to be mindful of how we get there. We need to be mindful of asking where our motivation is coming from. Is it coming from curiosity and inspiration, or is it coming from a place of fear? So let's try a little visualization practice together. If you're driving, please don't do this now. Feel free to revisit this later, when you can pause and reflect.

Speaker 1:

So if you're in a safe space right now and it feels comfortable, I invite you to close your eyes or look at the floor or stare at something that is not going to move. Take a nice deep breath and let it out and do that one more time. Take a nice big breath in and out. Now I want you to picture the version of yourself that feels the need to get it all right all the time. I want you to notice their posture, notice their energy, notice what they're carrying and start to imagine the times when perfectionism shows up, when you're rereading an email five times before sending it, the times when you stay late redoing your bulletin board. That's already fine, or the times that you feel like you need to fix everyone else's problems. Keep breathing deep breath in and out. We're simply noticing. This is important information, because we can't change what we don't notice.

Speaker 1:

And now, as your eyes are closed or staring at the floor, say out loud or silently to yourself I'm safe. Even when it's not perfect, doing my best is enough. Even when it's not perfect, doing my best is enough. My worth isn't equal to my output. Take a deep breath in and out and when you're ready, you can come on back. These moments matter. Every time you pause and notice and breathe, every time you choose self compassion over self criticism, you are creating new neural pathways. This is how you rewire your brain to feel calm, to feel confidence, for more clarity, for remembering your enoughness, because enough is a decision, not an amount, and you are the only person who gets to decide when it's enough.

Speaker 1:

And when we release perfectionism, you make space for authenticity, for creativity, for connection. You reclaim your potential, not just as educators, but as humans. So, as a reminder you're doing enough, you are enough. And now you get to give your students a model of a whole, imperfect, emotionally available adult. Let's be brave enough to teach with the brain in mind, not just theirs, but yours too.

Speaker 1:

And before we close out to pick a card from the Empowered Educator card deck, Teacher Appreciation Week is around the corner, and while in Empowered Educator world, teacher Appreciation Week is every week, now is a time to celebrate you even more so. This is your gentle reminder that you deserve to be celebrated deeply and often, which is why we put some awesome new things at the Empowered Educator School Store to explore meaningful, soul nourishing gifts created with your wellbeing in mind. You pour so much into others, so let this be something that pours back into you. Head on over to empowerededucatorcom slash school store or click the link in the show notes and treat yourself, and the card for today is your.

Speaker 1:

Impact is directly related to your own personal growth and development, isn't that true? And what's so interesting about this is the limitations that we put on ourselves then become reflections in our classroom. You know, wherever you go, there you are, and the more you dive deep into who you are and create a clear path to who you want to be, the more you are going to reach your potential and continue to grow into your potential and expand your potential and, in return, do the same for your students. Remember, the most generous thing that you can do for your students is take care of yourself. So if you found today's episode helpful, be sure to subscribe so you never miss a moment of inspiration, and if you're loving the show, I'd love for you to leave a review. This helps more educators like you find the space to unlock their teaching potential too. Until next time, please remember that you are a gift to this world, so act accordingly. See you soon.